He that can take rest is greater than he that can take cities. – Benjamin Franklin

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Joshua Becker of Becoming Minimalist.

Ask any physician and they will tell you that rest is essential for physical health. When the body is deprived of sleep, it is unable to rebuild and recharge itself adequately. Your body requires rest.

Ask any athlete and they will tell you that rest is essential for healthy physical training. Rest is needed for physical muscles to repair themselves and prevent injury. This is true whether you run marathons, pitch baseballs, or climb rocks. Your muscles require rest.

Ask many of yesterday’s philosophers and they will tell you that rest is essential for the mind. Leonardo da Vinci said, “Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer.” And Ovid, the Roman poet, said, “Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.” Your mind requires rest.

Ask most religious leaders and they will tell you that rest is essential for the soul. Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, and Wiccan (among others) teach the importance of setting aside a period of time for rest. Your soul requires rest.

Ask many corporate leaders and they will tell you that rest is essential for productivity. Forbes magazine recently wrote, “You can only work so hard and do so much in a day. Everybody needs to rest and recharge.” Your productivity requires rest.

Physicians, athletes, philosophers, poets, religious leaders, and corporate leaders all tell us the same thing: take time to rest. It is absolutely essential for a balanced, healthy life.

Yet, when you ask most people in today’s frenzied culture if they consistetly set aside time for rest, they will tell you that they are just too busy to rest. Even fewer would say that they set aside any concentrated time (12-24 hours) for rest. There are just too many things to get done, too many demands, too many responsibilities, too many bills, and too much urgency. Nobody can afford to waste time resting in today’s results-oriented culture.

Unfortunately, this hectic pace is causing damage to our quality of life. We are destroying every sense of our being (body, mind, and soul). There is a reason we run faster and work harder, but only fall farther behind. Our lives have become too full and too out of balance. Somewhere along the way, we lost the essential practice of concentrated rest. We would be wise to reclaim the ancient, lost practice of resting one day each week.

To get back into balance, just consider the countless benefits of concentrated rest for your body, mind, and soul:

§  Healthier body – We each get one life and one body to live it in. Therefore, we eat healthy, we exercise, and we watch our bad habits. But then we allow our schedules to fill up from morning to evening. Rest is as essential to our physical health as the water we drink and the air we breathe.

§  Less stress – Stress is basically the perception that the situations we are facing are greater than the resources we have to deal with them – resources such as time, energy, ability, and help from others. We have two choices, either reduce the demands or increase our resources. Concentrated rest confronts stress in both ways. First, it reduces the demands of the situation. We have no demands on us as long as we have the ability to mentally let go of unfinished tasks. Secondly, rest reduces stress by increasing our resources, particularly energy.

§  Deeper relationships – A day set aside each week for rest allows relationships with people to deepen and be strengthened. When we aren’t rushing off to work or soccer practice, we are able to enjoy each other’s company and a healthy conversation. And long talks prove to be far more effective in building community than short ones on the ride to the mall.

§  Opportunity for reflection – Sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees. It is even more difficult to see the forest when we are running through the trees. Concentrated rest allows us to take a step back, to evaluate our lives, to identify our values, and determine if our life is being lived for them.

§  Balance – Taking one day of your week and dedicating it to rest will force you to have an identity outside of your occupation. It will foster relationships outside of your fellow employees. It will foster activities and hobbies outside our work. It will give you life and identity outside of your Monday-Friday occupation. Rather than defining your life by what you do, you can begin to define it by who you are.

§  Increased production – Just like resting physical muscles allows them opportunity to rejuvenate which leads to greater physical success, providing our minds with rest provides it opportunity to refocus and rejuvenate. More work is not better work. Smarter work is better work.

§  Reserve for life’s emergencies – Crisis hits everyone. Nobody who is alive is immune from the trials of life. By starting the discipline today of concentrated rest, you will build up reserves for when the unexpected emergencies of life strike… and rest is no longer an option.

Properly developing a discipline of concentrated rest requires both inward and outward changes. Consider these steps to reclaiming the lost practice of weekly rest in your life:

1. Find contentment in your current life. – Much of the reason we are unable to find adequate rest is because we are under the constant impression that our lives can and should be better than they are today. This constant drive to improve our standing in life through the acquisition of money, power, or skills robs us of contentment and joy. Ultimately, rest is an extension of our contentment and security. Without them, simplicity and rest is difficult, if not impossible. Stop focusing on what you don’t have and start enjoying the things that you do.

2. Plan your rest. Rest will come only from intentional planning and planning rest will come only if it is truly desired. Schedule it on your calendar. Learn to say no to any tasks that attempt to take precedent. Plan out your day of rest by choosing creative activities that are refreshing and encourage relationships. Understand that true rest is different than just not working. As the Cat in the Hat wisely said, “It is fun to have fun but you have to know how.” Avoid housework. Plan meals in advance to help alleviate cooking responsibilities. And by all means, turn off your television, e-mail, and blackberry.

3. Take responsibility for your life. You are not a victim of your time demands. You are the creator and acceptor of them. Refuse to complain or make excuses and start changing your habits. Remember, you are only as busy as you choose to be. Leave “if only” excuses to the kids. If needed, alert your employer about your desire for rest and tell them you will be unavailable on that particular day.

4. Embrace simplicity. Embrace a lifestyle that focuses on your values, not your possessions. It is difficult to find rest when the housework is never finished, the yard needs to be mowed, or the garage needs to be organized.

5. Include your family. It is much easier to practice the discipline of concentrated rest if your family is practicing it too. The fact that this gets more difficult as your kids get older should motivate you to start as soon as possible.

6. Live within your income. A debtor is a slave to his creditor. It is difficult to find rest for your mind when you are deep in debt. The constant distress of your responsibility to another may preclude you from truly enjoying a day off. It is possible; it’s just more difficult. Don’t overspend your income, live within it.

7. Realize the shallow nature of a results-oriented culture. If you live in a results-oriented culture where productivity alone is championed on every corner, rest is counter-cultural. And thus, the saying goes, “If you rest, you rust.” Rest may even be seen as a sign of weakness by others. Unfortunately, that view of humanity’s role in this world is shallow. It is true that many of the benefits from concentrated rest are not tangible; but then again, only a fool believes that all good things can be counted.

Rabbi Elijah of Vilna once said, “What we create becomes meaningful to us only once we stop creating it and start to think about why we did so.” The implication is clear. We could live lives that produce countless widgets, but we won’t start living until we stop producing and start enjoying. Capture again the lost practice of resting one day each week and start truly living.

Read more from Joshua at his blog, Becoming Minimalist, subscribe to his feed, or check out his new ebook, Simplify.

This is part-3 of a new 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

1. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
2. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 2: Heartbreak and Sadness
3. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
4. Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
5. 8 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Note from Celes: Hey guys! Thanks so much for your beautiful comments, emails and private messages the past few days regarding parts 1 and 2 of the series. Every single one of your messages has brought a warm smile to my face. Due to requests from some readers, I’ve opened up the comments section for this post. Feel free to drop a comment after you’ve finished reading part-3. I’ve love to know your thoughts on this new series.

My Journey in Moving On

© Muffet

Thinking About Him

After we parted ways, I focused on living my life. Staying away from G made it easier to move on. No more confusing signals to throw me off track. No more mind games. No more ambiguity. While I was hurt on the inside, at least now I could focus on the path of recovery rather than be left hanging in the middle of no man’s land. I was sad and disappointed that G was not the one, but I remained hopeful that my special someone was out there and I would meet him someday.

Yet, a part of me still thought about G. This tended to arise in certain moments, such as when I was by myself, when my friends talked about guys/relationships, when I saw couples together, or when I was down. I would think back about the past, and the times we were together. Thinking about him would trigger different emotions. Sweetness and nostalgia from the happy times. Confusion over why exactly he acted that way. Frustration, sadness and disappointment from how things turned out. Regret over what could have been. Anger and hatred for how he dealt with the situation and breaking me on the inside. Over time, these emotions had dried out into numbness.

When I was down or out of sorts though, I would feel an urge to contact him. I remember there was a time in 2006 when my mom was in the ICU after a surgery. It was the worst period of my life – I thought she was going to die and I was going to lose my mom forever. While I was crying my eyes out at the hospital, I wished he was there with me. However, I held myself back from contacting him because I didn’t want him to see me in this state, especially not after what happened between us. Thankfully, my mom recovered a few weeks later.

There was other times when I felt troubled and wished I could seek solace in him. Each time, I stopped myself, reminding that staying away was for the better.

Occasionally he would sms me, to wish me happy birthday, share a festive greeting or on something random. Sometimes I didn’t reply, other times I just responded with a courteous message. I figured talking too much was pointless, since I wanted to draw a clear line from him. I tried to keep communication with him minimal to protect myself.

Living In A Loop

I wasn’t exactly able to maintain the distance with him though. Over the next 3 years between 2006-2008, there were two times when I contacted him. The first time was in 2006,when I just started work and I felt bogged down. The second time was in mid-2008, when I wanted to leave my ex-company to pursue my passion and I was contemplating how to deal the situation. Looking back, these were times when I was less sure than my usual self, when I needed support. It wasn’t surprising he came to mind then, since I saw him as my pillar of support in the past.

Each time I contacted him, we almost immediately clicked like in the past. This was despite not being in close contact for almost a year each time.  None of us mentioned the awkward incidences that led to me breaking away back in school. For the next few months, we quickly grew closer and closer, talking late in the night, emailing, meeting up frequently and just hanging out. And again, he would treat me in the same special way that was more romantic than platonic.

In all honesty, I removed the possibility of us being together when I made the decision to stay away in 2005. I had contacted him because I just wanted to talk to him, not to see if we could be together. Thus, when the whole romantic vs. platonic behavior began, I was skeptical of his intents. I kept him at an emotional distance while enjoying the friendship as it was.

However, as we talked more and went out more often, I thought perhaps things had changed since the last time. Maybe this time, he was serious. Maybe this time, it was real, you know? Maybe by not reciprocating, I was closing myself out in love. With renewed hope and faith, I decided to give this another shot. I began to respond in kind.

Yet after the initial pickup, things reached the exact same point as before. The same point of ambiguity – a friendship-bordering-on-relationship-but-not-a-relationship relationship. I was engulfed with the same confusion and second-guessing. Same questions, same hypotheses, no concrete answers. It was incredulous. I thought it had to be some kind of a joke. It was like living in a loop – repeating the same actions and experiencing the same outcome, again and again. Like the same scene in a play that kept reenacting itself, except it had no ending.

Once again, I was saddened and hurt. When it became obvious nothing was going to change, I broke away – silently this time. They say once bitten, twice shy. And third time is the charm. When this happened the third time in 2008, it finally sunk inside me that nothing was ever coming out of this friendship/relationship. I had given it (the relationship) one too many opportunities to play out and it didn’t.

With a heavy heart, in Dec 2008, I decided to move on for good this time.

(Actually in that month, I experienced 2 huge disappointments – this incident with G, and another about addressing money barriers while pursuing my passion. In Jan ‘09, I wrote about how I overcame the latter disappointment. I didn’t write about G then because I wasn’t ready to. Today, I’m finally ready to do so, having gone through the realizations below that helped me move on.)

Realizations that Helped Me Move On

© harold.lloyd

It took a long while, but I finally moved on 4 years after we first broke away in 2005. The funny thing about these past 4 years is that there were many times when I thought I had moved on during this period, only to find out afterward that I hadn’t. I’m glad to say now that majority, if not all, of this episode is now behind me. For sure, this didn’t happen overnight – it was through little steps, little realizations along the way that enabled me to finally put the past behind me.

Recognizing He Didn’t Want To Be With Me

Regardless of how his actions were romantic vs. platonic, ultimately I realized that if G was really serious about being together with me, he would have taken action long ago. There was no need to dance around at the sidelines, not after all these years too. Not in 2005, not in 2006, and certainly not in 2008. There could be one billion and one reasons why he didn’t take further action but the fact was he chose not to do so. It took me a while to accept this, but when I did I saw things much more objectively.

Realizing He Was Not The One For Me

During the times when we were close, I saw G as my soulmate. So when it turned out nothing was coming out of the friendship/relationship, I found it difficult to see myself with someone else. Even as I went out with other guys, I would often compare them with G. My preset bias made it difficult for guys to measure up against him, so as  a result I turned my back on other guys.

But then I realized if G was my soulmate, these loops wouldn’t be replaying over and over again, each time culminating to the exact same ambiguity. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried to alter the outcome, it always resulted to the same end. To have it happen once was enough – but to have it happen three times, staggered across different time periods – it proved beyond any doubt nothing could come out of this. I kept trying to look beyond but it was a dead end. A dead end. There was nothing beyond. I finally realized that G was not the one for me at all.

Forgiving Him… and Forgiving Myself

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis Smedes

Deep down, I hated G for the way he dealt with the situation. I felt he was irresponsible. If he didn’t like me, why did he even say all those things? Why did he keep quiet when I confronted him? Why did he continue on behaving that way even after I told him to stop it?

No matter how I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, a part of me still blamed him for what happened. He had played with my feelings and betrayed this trust. All the promises he made in the past were just empty words. I felt like his pawn in this whole game. I was angry at him. I was resentful.

Beyond that… I was angry at myself. If he was supposedly a jerk, then I was angry I even allowed myself to be fooled by a jerk. If he was irresponsible, I was angry I was blind enough to leave my heart in the hands of an irresponsible person. All in all, I was mad that I had not taken proper care of myself. I let myself get hurt. I had let myself down.

Last year (3 months ago in Dec 2009), I realized if I wanted to truly move on, I needed to forgive him… and myself. I was dragging the past emotional baggage around like a dead carcass all this while, punishing myself. The hate was still inside me. Only by forgiving him, was I forgiving myself.

After I realized this, it took a few seconds of inner resistance before I consciously let go of the hate. The anger. The resentment. When I did, I couldn’t help but smile. I felt lighter immediately, like some invisible weight was lifted. It was liberating.

Letting Him Know the Truth

A closure couldn’t take place if he didn’t even know what had been happening all this while. I thought he deserved to know the full story all these years. I felt I should bring to his awareness the implications of his actions, for his own journey of growth, and for the well-being of whoever is in his life / crosses his life in the future. What he decides to do after that is his choice.

So in same month of Dec ‘09, I wrote a long email to him. For the first time, I shared my thoughts feelings transparently. I wrote about all the key events that happened between us, starting from 2005. From when I liked him, to breaking away, to living in a loop for the few years, to breaking away again in 2008. I told him how I felt he was irresponsible in his communications. I told him how I hated and resented him for what he had done. Finally, I told him I had forgiven him. I was ready to move on.

I didn’t expect him to reply. To be honest, it really didn’t matter at all because the email came from an obligation to let him know the truth of what had been going on, rather than to get an answer. Whether he answered or not, or whatever his answer was, wouldn’t change the fact that I had put this behind me.

If you want to know, he replied within the day, expressing surprise at the contents of the email. He gave his side of the story, saying since we were in university, he really admired me, my passions, courage and my values. He said he also found me to be caring, smart and pretty. Because of that, he really liked spending time with me. Back then, he was unsure of whether to pursue the relationship romantically, but ultimately decided what he really wanted was for us to stay as good friends. He explained I always had a special place, which was why he always treated me exceptionally different from other people. At the end, he apologized for the hurt he had caused me.

His answer helped draw light on the events of the past few years. I replied back, thanking him for the apology and that I had accepted it. I was thankful that the loop was finally broken. #14 of my key highlights for 2009 was actually referring to this.

Living For Myself

© rebecca-lily

The final closure I needed was with myself.

Regardless of the multiple hypotheses I had on why G and I were not together, I had always concluded it was because I wasn’t good enough. If I was good enough, he would have wanted to be with me. While I stopped liking G since a long time ago, the fact that he didn’t want to be with me was a subconscious block. It was no longer about why G and I couldn’t be together. It became an issue with why G didn’t want to be with me. Was it something wrong with me? Was I not good enough to be with? This experience left a huge dent in my self-esteem.

This belief that I wasn’t good enough enveloped me like a quiet shroud. Consciously, I was sure of myself and my capabilities. Subconsciously, I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough, that I was not deserving of love, that I was ugly, fat, unworthy, critical, judgmental, not feminine enough, etc.

Because of that, I went on a marathon to improve myself these past few years. I kept thinking I was not good enough to be with someone. I worked on improving my temper. I cultivated patience. I became a kinder person, putting myself in others’ shoes and to be caring more for them. I tried to lose weight. I tried to be less critical and more encouraging. I tried to be more feminine, dainty, quiet and demure, against my natural demeanor where I was more open, forthcoming and earnest.

While “improving” myself made me feel better, it was just for a short while. I would feel inadequate after a while, being overly self-critical and pinpointing how I could be better. I never seemed to be good enough. It was only a month ago where I questioned myself – What exactly was “good enough” then?

I came up with a list of qualities I thought were “good enough”. Pretty, short, petite, demure, quiet, kind, reactive, feminine, dependent, relenting, etc…. It was then I realized these were the qualities I thought were “good enough” for G, or guys for that matter. What would happen after I acquire these qualities? Would I be together with G? Maybe. Would G be happy? Probably. Would I be happy?

The answer hit me with a quiet “thud“.

No.. I wouldn’t be happy.

It struck me that even if I became a girl that G would like or what I thought G would like, it wouldn’t matter – Because I wouldn’t be happy. I may be good enough for him then, but I wouldn’t be good enough for myself. This isn’t about the specific qualities itself, but the reason behind the desire to change. For what it is worth, that list is probably inaccurate. The point is, I was trying to change to fit into what I thought G or somebody else would like. Changing for that reason wouldn’t have gone anywhere far because I would never be happy that way. If I want to be happy, I myself need to happy, first and foremost.

Recognizing the Relationship Was Just a Mental Illusion

With the realization above, that was when it finally clicked that the relationship between G and me had been a mental illusion all along. Subconsciously, a part of me thought G and I would be together if I turned myself into Person X (with the X list of traits G was looking for). But the truth is, I can never be Person X. More importantly, I don’t want to be Person X. It is not what I see myself evolving into. This is not what I see to be in line with my growth, my life, my destiny.

Since the relationship between G and I can only exist if I’m Person X, in reality this relationship can never exist because I can never be Person X, nor do I want to be Person X.

It was a simple, yet powerful realization. When I realized that, it felt a veil that had been covering me all these years had finally been lifted from my head. I felt the fog around me was gone. I had finally freed myself from the mental shackles I had put on myself to begin with.

End of a Chapter, Beginning of the Next

Looking back, it has been a long journey these past 5 years. A journey filled with happiness, hope, sadness, disappointment, anger, self-doubt, self-hate, and at the end of it, deep revelations, growth, and an all-new self-awareness. I didn’t realize it then, but I had been living under the shadow of this relationship all these years.

Yet, I recognize everything that has happened has helped me become a better person. I’m grateful for that.

I’m glad to have finally gained closure on this and with myself after all these years. I have realized that whenever we refuse to move on, we prevent new things from entering into our life. The ones we are punishing isn’t the other person, but ourselves. When we let go of the past, we are in essence allowing new things to enter into our lives. If you want to attract new possibilities, you need to first release the old baggage you are hanging on to.

Right now, some of you may be in an ambiguous relationship and not know what to do. Some of you may be in broken relationships. Some of you may be thinking of whether to return to a past relationship which didn’t end off well. Some of you may be trying to move on from an unhappy past relationship.

Many of us are usually not aware when they should be moving on – I was in this exact same situation. In 3 days time, I’ll be sharing part-4 of the series, on the Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship. It’s over 3,000 words long – I’ve spent deep thought writing this and I hope it will help you find out if it’s time for you to move on in your relationship.

Meanwhile, if you have any comments to share about the series thus far, I’ll love to hear them in the comments area below. Thanks for all your warm messages and feedback everyone – I really appreciate it! If you like the series/articles so far, it’ll really be great if you can help to retweet it (link available at the end of every post) and share with others on facebook, so they can benefit from it too. Thank you – that will make my day!